So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
