I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Randomize
