He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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