Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
