i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
