life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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