i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
FUCK WHALES
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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