he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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