I will die if light touches me.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
