never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
