I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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