she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
