So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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