Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
