If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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