my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize