it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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