so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
