I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
