Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
