There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
