My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
