I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
