I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
