Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Everclear isn't food dammit
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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