Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
