from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
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