Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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