Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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