I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
