Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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