I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize