she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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