The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
