Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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