Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
