Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
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