I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize