i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
