well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
