I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
