my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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