I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
