omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
