so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
