Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
