Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
