dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
