You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
