i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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