Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
