ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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