My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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