I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Walk of Shame today included voting.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
