I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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