I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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