I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
