Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
